Matchmaking 101 - Office Hours with Lisa Clampitt

Top 10 Reasons You Haven’t Found “The One”

top 10 reasons you haven't found love yet“Why haven’t I found ‘the one’?”

This is a question that I hear in my office on a pretty consistent basis.

Singles who work with me sometimes wonder what they have been doing wrong. They are confused about why love hasn’t found them yet, and how they can move forward to find love now.

As a matchmaker, my first job is always to get to know my client. I encourage them to open up in order to learn more about themselves and who their best match would be.  We work together to discover what hasn’t worked for them in the past so that we can agree on a resolution for the future.

It’s important to remember that a lot of people struggle when it comes to dating, and many of their struggles are similar. Dates may think they are alone in their struggles, but all singles face obstacles at one point or another.

Here are the top 10 dating obstacles that I find the singles I work with face:

  1. Unrealistic Expectations

    When a client shows up with a list of the 100+ extremely specific qualities (type of car someone drives, their shoe size, if they wear aftershave) that their date MUST have, I know that we are going to have a problem.  To be a successful dater, you have to be open! If you count out every person who does not measure up on paper, you are probably missing out on someone truly wonderful.

    Be open and walk around with a smile, and you never know where or when you will meet your match.

  2. Workaholic Lifestyle

    If you barely have time to eat dinner alone, how do you expect to find time to go out on a date and enjoy yourself? When someone spends more time and energy on their work then on their personal life, of course they have trouble dating. Finding a balance is key.

  3. History of Unwise Partner Choices

    One of the first conversations I have with a client is about their dating history. When each person they mention falls into a category like “bad boy” or “party girl” it’s easy to see why they may have been having trouble finding a relationship that sticks.

  4. Social Awkward/Shy Personality

    Many people are not comfortable in social situations, which is OK. But the only way to become more comfortable is to dive right in. You only live once!

  5. Limited Access to Potential Partners

    When someone’s group of friends are all married or coupled, or they have a job where they work from home, it obviously poses an understandable dating challenge.  This challenge also crops up among singles that live in small towns, or rural areas.

  6. History of Choosing Unavailable Partners

    Constantly choosing a partner who is emotionally distant, or physically distant makes it hard for any relationship to last.

    Long distance dating is not for everyone.

  7. Being Stuck on the Idea of Marriage

    Rather than going out and having fun and exploring a persons’ uniqueness, this person tends to be hung up on if see a potential marriage in the future. When you spend your first date wondering if someone is marriage material, you miss your chance to get to know them. It can take time to learn if someone is right for you to spend the rest of your life with.

  8. Old Fashioned Dater/ Out of Dating Loop

    This issue comes up a lot for people who are newly divorced, separated, or widowed. When you have been out of the dating scene for a while, it’s hard to know how to find a way back in. What worked in the past may not work now, so a new dating strategy has to be devised.

  9. Hung Up On Comparing New with Old

    It’s natural to want to compare the new people you are dating to someone you had been with before, especially if you were with that person for a long time, and happy.

    This comparison however, will only prevent you from getting to know another partner. No two people are exactly the same, and no two relationships will be either. Oftentimes someone new might have positive attributes you had not experienced before.

  10. Over all negative outlook

    If you think you will never find someone, you will make that your reality.  If you open your mind, heart, and EYES, there are amazing possibilities all around you!  Be open and walk around with a smile, and you never know where or when you will meet your match.

Whether you are coaching clients that have dating struggles, or are trying to figure out why you haven’t found Mr. or Mrs. Right yourself, you may recognize or connect to one or more of these obstacles. The good news is, they can all be overcome.

Next week I’ll let you in on how as a matchmaker I coach clients who identify with these obstacles on to be more productive daters, and successful in finding love.


As always, feel free to contact me with any questions, or if you are interested in learning more about becoming a matchmaker yourself!

Twitter: @MatchSchool

Facebook: Matchmaking Institute 


  • ….or you are just not ready. 🙂

    • Elisa

      As long as your comfortable in your own skin and on your journey….x

  • Why is it so hard to find love these days? Maybe i’m not cut out for love anyways. why am I getting so worked up about it. what am I doing wrong? finding the one is frustrating. why i’m sounding desperate?

    • Elisa

      Ok Anne,

      First of all a good thing is never easy to find or get…. and love isnt suppose to be something you find. It finds you – so first things first your perspective is wrong and needs some adjusting but thats ok because all females have been given the wrong information over time which makes it seem much harder, if you know what you want and if you respect yourself – you can get it and it will feel effortless, you will do some work but it will feel effortless (natural) because you now have the correct information…

      My second point, you also seem like you have some underlying issues with yourself… go and buy why men love bitches by SHERRI ARGOV or buy it from WH SMITHS, TARGET, AMAZON or rent it from your library…. it isnt about trickery or games….the term BITCH isn’t about a nasty woman its about confidence – so its basically learning to build up your self esteem and date with confidence ok…

      Finally now – wrap this up – Never believe a negative belief…maybe your not cut out for love you say..? really Anne? what makes you think that?? ok… love is a basic need that all human beings have and it is your god given right to HAVE LOVE AND BE LOVED BY SOME BODY!! you have to first love yourself…you have to know your loveable and amazing, so for the next week i want you to wake up every morning and after you brush your teeth – say to yourself…I AM ENOUGH…I AM AMAZING…i dont care if you;ve never had anyone tell you this…YOU ARE! SO I’M TELLING YOU NOW….now please go and tell yourself that your loveable and amazing.

      Every woman has been desperate to find the right person for themselves and in time with patience, practice and prayers you will find them but remember…the person for you needs you to also have your mind right and be right for them…so get yourself together and love you. xxx


      1 MORE THING….


      • or just be yourself and if you are shy or awkward then accept that. PLEASE do not become one of those super confident ‘this is my fight song’.. i have the right to be loved and I deserve it’ types. Guys HATE that.

        Sorry Elisa, I respect that you are saying positive things to Anne to help her and I am sure you are an amazing and caring person but to Anne, PLEASE do NOT become one of those people. You will attract weird men that will only use you and leave. Super confident girls are every guy’s nightmare and they just scream desperate bitch looking to clamp down any guy that says hi to them. guys will not see that as a desirable or attractive trait. confidence comes from being perfectly calm with not only yourself but also with the acceptance of life doing what it does and the right guy might be here now, tomorrow, in 10 years or after another marriage or when you are 70 or never. there is nothing you can do other than be accepting and that will drive your charisma to better your chances. take off the focus of the privileged human right to have a partner at a certain age and some kids, car, house… american dream. that is not a happy life or realistic. The right guy will see you for your cute shyness or your adorable nervousness or your safe calmness and he will be perfect for you.

        I do not know if you will find love. I can’t say that. no one can. Everyone deserves it but whether you get lucky enough in 2015 society? who knows? maybe, maybe not. it’s sad but comforting to accept that it may or may not happen. Only then you can see life more logically and relax knowing that you don’t have to be impatient or arrange your life around waiting for this guy. That is hot for a guy to see walk in the room believe me.

  • Leslie

    It gets harder as we get older. It used to be so easy for me not so long ago. I am a Jewish, outgoing, Operating Room Nurse. Have loved my career!….Always been easy for me to meet people and have relationships even as a single mother. But had an injury and several surgeries. Life has been a little tough. Harder to meet people. And, aside from my issues, I’m finding that the men I happen to be meeting (which since I have less time are more likely online) I find have a tendency to be less honest!
    It makes dating more a CHORE, than fun!!
    All I can say is that it will happen when it happens.
    Don’t try too hard.
    Be happy with your life.
    Best of luck to all of you!

  • Brick Rallol

    I don’t know what made me think this article would say something that wasn’t just a bunch of generic advice that is complete common sense. If you want to be helpful off advice around these VERY OBVIOUS issues instead of just pointing out what everyone all ready knows. Whoever wrote this just wasted all of our time.

  • My spouse and i ended up being very relieved Jordan managed to finish up his analysis via the precious recommendations he grabbed using your web pages. It is now and again perplexing to simply possibly be handing out steps which people today could have been trying to sell.

  • 8/10!
    I make myself Too busy, have been burned, don’t want to be a nurse or a purse.
    I refuse to ask a guy out, because that makes me question his manliness.
    I don’t want to do the heavy lifting in the relationship. He has to be a hunter. I like traditional roles. I can’t stand a man questioning my choice of throw pillow. I think my money is my money and his money is our money.
    I don’t like meddling relatives or clingy in-laws.
    I would love to be surprised. I know what a date is going to say , I’m bored right away and online dating is awful. If I ask for 45+ male that is Christian, non smoker, children ok, makes over 150,000+ in my questionnaire, why am I getting messages from 32 year olds that are bi-curious atheists? Fix the algorithm already. The fact that they can access my profile is the equivalent of sending me into a honky tonk saloon. If I wouldn’t go there in real life, I shouldn’t have to deal with men with neck tattoos interested in a one nighter online . “Let’s see how things go.”

    The problem with dating in my 40’s is that nothing surprises me anymore.

  • How about people that have met the right one but the one is attached or unavailable?

    How about other people meeting the right one at the wrong time either they are too inexperienced in life or they want to experience other things either in themselves or elsewhere else before they commit?

    how about people that were with someone when the right one came into their life, and they were too scared to hurt the one they were with based on marriage or kids or long term involvement?